Funeral director counsels a suicide prospect Bradley R. Shotts, guest columnist: A funeral director counsels a suicide prospect

PREVENTING THE TRAGIC AND THE IRREVERSIBLE

As a funeral director for almost 25 years, I have had a front row seat to see a tremendous amount of tragedy, agonizing heartbreak and hurt from moms and dads, husbands and wives, brothers and sisters and other close family members. I could tell you story after story of horrible things that families have had to endure.

Today I want to talk about something that no one really wants to talk about. When it happens, very little is usually said. Yet it is the absolute worst thing for any family to endure.

I speak of suicide.

Approximately 45,000 Americans die each year from suicide. Suicide rates have reportedly increased by 25 percent across the United States over nearly two decades ending in 2016, according to research published this month by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. It's the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. For every suicide, 25 have already attempted. These numbers are staggering. Also, 22 veterans commit suicide every day. The suicide rate among first responders is on the rise as well. Most recently one of my friends lost her son-in-law, leaving behind a wife and two small children. Tragically, designer Kate Spade recently took her own life and then, a few days later, globetrotting chef and food writer Anthony Bourdain ended his life.

It is my hope and prayer that someone who has been thinking of taking his or her life will first read this column. I hope it causes one to pause and seek help instead of doing this heartbreaking, utterly irreversible act.

To the person thinking of taking his or her own life:

I'm the person who sees your family after you commit suicide. I'm the one who sees the look in their eyes and the look on their faces that, so long as I live, I will never forget. I'm unable to put into words the hurt they feel from losing you. I'm unable to describe the pain and tremendous loss this causes your family.

But I can tell you this: If you were able to be by my side and see your family's hurt, the look in their eyes, and you were able to hear the cries of anguish, I promise you, you would never do this devastating act. You would immediately seek help and do everything to prevent this tragedy from happening. You would run to your family and tell them how much you love them.

I know you hurt. I know you need help. You might not know where or who to turn to. Please believe me when I say that help is there! I promise you it is. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. There are people who care and love you. Please know this.

Other than your relationship with God, family is the most important thing in your life and, if you don't have family, I'm sure you have close friends you might consider as family. You have people in your life who love you and would do anything for you, even if you don't think you do.

Let me share some grim facts. For those who take their own lives, they hand their families life sentences of sorrow, guilt and deep hurt from which they never recover. Every birthday, yours and theirs, are forever ruined. Christmas, Thanksgiving and holidays are all ruined. Every single day they get up and guess the first thing they think of. You. When they close their eyes at night and try to sleep, they lie awake trying to figure out what they did wrong and what they could have done differently to prevent you from thinking this was your only answer to the problems in life.

You are loved! God loves you most and is eagerly wanting to help you. (Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is near the broken-hearted. He delivers those who are discouraged.") Your family and friends love you so much and they would do anything to prevent coming to your funeral service under such horrific circumstances.

If you have read this far, thank you. Please go to someone and talk to them. Now. Share with them how you feel. There are so many people who would love to help you. Please don't feel ashamed of needing help. Everyone, including me, needs help at some point in life. It doesn't make you weak or a coward, it shows your strength to stand up to the depression, pain and bad thoughts you have going through your mind. Fight back! Your family and friends who love you need you to fight back.

Thousands of people depend on a low dose of some kind of medication to help them cope with day-to-day problems, and there's nothing wrong with that. It could make all the difference in the world. If you cannot find anyone with whom to talk, come here to the funeral home or call anonymously. I promise you, I would be very happy to talk with you and listen and pray with you (972-923-2700). I'll do anything within my power to help. Sometimes talking with a stranger makes it easier to express how you really feel without fear of judgment or having to tell family members or friends.

Whatever is going on in your life that is causing you to have thoughts of taking your own life, I assure you: This can all be worked out. Please do not make this a permanent solution to a temporary problem. (Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.")

This article is dedicated to the mother of Tanya, who in 1995 killed herself at her parents' home. After I arrived at 3 in the morning to remove her body, her mom cried and cried in my arms, saying, "She was my baby, my only child," over and over. I dedicate this article to the young wife with her two little girls under the age of 10, sitting graveside under the tent after other mourners left. They were sitting in the front-row seats, looking at the casket of their husband and father. One of the little girls turned to her mom and said, "Mommy, what are we going to do now?" I dedicate this article to the little boy whose mother committed suicide. When this 8-year-old arrived at the funeral home to view his mother's body, he screamed, "I want my mama, I want my mama!" His agonizing cries still haunt me to this day. This article is dedicated to the mom who stopped the mortuary cot coming out of her son's bedroom, laid her head on the cot cover and cried, saying, "I just didn't know, I just didn't know you were hurting so bad! I am so sorry!"

Truth is, no one really wants to commit suicide, they just want the pain to stop. The first step for you is to put everything on hold and find someone with whom to talk. If you want the pain to stop, please seek help and please search for that help till you find it. Please do not give your family a life sentence of sorrow and heartbreak.

For immediate assistance, call 800-273-TALK. Or you can go to https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

Talk to family or friends. If it's too hard to talk to them, try writing a letter to express the feelings you're having. They would do anything they could to help you if only they knew now. Talk to God. Talk to your pastor. Talk with whoever you feel comfortable, so you do not become another tragic statistic. Help is out there. Know you are loved by somebody.

Bradley R. Shotts is a director and embalmer at the 108-year-old Wayne Boze Funeral Home in Waxahachie. Fellow funeral director Brooke N. Miller contributed to this column.